My Number 1 Struggle

Some days, I don’t always like my body. Some days, I do.

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My number 1 struggle is my body.

No matter how many times I give myself pep talks, no matter how many times I’m told I am perfectly fine just the way I am, I just cannot let go of the way I look.

I have never been skinny. I have never had a thigh gap. I definitely do not have the Kim Kardashian body either. My bra size is not impressive to some people, and whenever I buy bathing suits my top is smaller than my bottoms.

Surprisingly, I don’t actually eat more than I should. I cut red meat out of my diet, I’ll eat it occasionally though. I am big on raw veggies and I love fruit. I exercise, maybe not as often as I should, but I make sure to get one nice walk in everyday.

Sure, I am not the healthiest nor the fittest person. I know that, yet I still cannot get past my looks. I feel like my friends get aggravated with me when I say I look like a potato. The thing is, I’m not joking about it. Some days I literally feel as if there is nothing pretty about me. I’ll change my outfit up to 5 times in the morning because the other 4 outfits made me feel insecure in some way.

Yet, this isn’t an everyday feeling. There are days I feel hot and attractive. As Beyonce would say, “I’m feeling myself” on those days. Then there are other days I truly feel as if I am not even able to look in the mirror and tell myself that I am beautiful. If I did, I would be lying because deep down inside I wouldn’t feel one ounce of beauty radiating from me.

I compare myself to other girls so much. It’s almost ridiculous. In all honesty, it probably is ridiculous. People say you should love and embrace your body. Trust me, I am trying. I have my good days just as well as my bad days.

The more I think about why I seem to have a negative mindset about my body, the more I think it boils down to one thing. The belief that I am not as beautiful as other girls. It’s a common idea, and it happens to so many people.

What is really odd is that we all have our own idea of what beautiful is. My friend believes that when she is fit and she is able to run that is when she is the most beautiful. Another friend believes that when he can see the improvement of him working out at the gym, he feels unstoppable. No one can ruin his mindset that day because he feels great about himself.

That leaves me wondering, what do I see beautiful about myself? What is my moment where I feel confident and no longer feeling insecure about myself? I realized that when I am rocking lipstick is when I feel confident. I feel beautiful. I feel as if for once people are stopping to look at me because I am walking with my head held high as if I just stepped out of a magazine.

One major problem: I don’t wear lipstick everyday. Also, lipstick can sometimes be annoying. Don’t get me wrong I absolutely LOVE my liquid lipsticks from Colourpop, but there are certain days I don’t want to rock my lipstick. I’d rather sport a tee and some leggings.

Looking back on the days where I feel amazing, is it truly the lipstick? Or is it actually me feeling beautiful and confident all on my own? Maybe the lipstick is just an added bonus. I tell myself it is the lipstick, but in reality it is me feeling great about myself and my looks. If I can do that on lipstick days, why can’t I do that on non-lipstick days?

If I would take a few seconds out of my day to look in the mirror and tell myself that I am beautiful and manifest that idea I could conquer the world. Okay, I could conquer my struggle of talking down about myself, not so much the world. Either way that is one huge step for Jailynn and a million more positive steps will come later on down the road.

If you are reading this and you feel the way I do, find what makes you feel beautiful, confident, or even sexy. Then try to channel it into your everyday life. Or maybe if you already do, (Props to you!) tell yourself that you are beautiful. That you are handsome. That you are perfect for who you are and you should never feel ashamed of who you are.

We may not always like something about ourselves, but to the people who love us those are things that don’t even matter to them. They love us for who we are. So when our friends, family, or our significant others are telling us that we look amazing, let’s start believing it. Trust me, it’s easier said than done. I get it. I’m about to be 21 in the fall and I’m still learning. However, with time you’ll start to believe that you are beautiful and loved for just the way you are.