I know that I have a wall built up.
I know there isn’t anything wrong with having a wall because it’s nice to be cautious.
I didn’t know that I have a wall built with the help of anxiety.
I’m used to having walls guarding my heart from being hurt. I’m used to staying cautious of guys I’ve talked too because it is all centered around my fear of being hurt. It’s normal. Once you’ve been hurt it isn’t the easiest thing to trust that person again let alone another person you are thinking about being in a relationship with.
Trust me, I know all too well.
The more walls I build seems to be better. I mean if a guy truly likes me he will take time to break past those walls, right? Maybe not. I used to think that if a guy who cared for me then he would take the time to break down my walls, but recently I’ve realized that my walls aren’t just normal walls. There are twinned with anxiety.
Not only is a guy supposed to break down my walls, but then they have to get around the overthinking, the irrational thoughts, the negative scenarios I’ve already made up in my head before he even has a chance to get to the wall itself. Some people may say, “If that guy does care, then he will do all of that.” That could possibly be true, but let’s add in the fact once I get too deep in my overthinking I push people away. It’s like the guy is on an episode of Wipe Out trying to get to me.
It’s not that I try to make him jump through loops. It’s not that I want him to have to break down my walls either. He wasn’t the one who caused this in the first place. I sometimes don’t even realize how guarded I keep myself which is been hurting me more than it has been helping me.
I did not realize that once I let the overthinking take over then it has won that battle. I overthink. I make myself upset. I assume the worst. I become irrational. Then I unintentionally push them away. By trying to ‘protect’ myself, I am pushing away people that care about me.
Never in my life would I try to hurt someone intentionally. I could not imagine the hate and anger I would have to feel in order to make someone feel so bad about themselves. Yet, I’ve been doing it every time I have my wall built with anxiety as a layer of protective support. As weird as this sounds, whenever I am in my overthinking stage I let that take control of me and I stop thinking for myself. I am already convinced that I’m going to get hurt again, or that the guy is just playing me. Instead of being a double texter and using my communication skills, I go head first and react with the irrational thoughts.
When I first realized that I build walls with anxiety, it hurt me. It hurt me because I have done such an amazing job at pushing people away. If there were to be an Oscar given for the girl who is best at pushing people away, I would win without a doubt. Sadly when it comes to pushing people away, I don’t even give them a chance. I don’t even give myself a chance. How can I expect someone to break down my walls when I haven’t even managed to take control of it myself?
Great question, right? Doesn’t exactly sound like the easiest task in the world, but I’m willing to try. I can’t keep letting overthinking win. I can’t hurting people and pushing them away. That’s not me. That will never be me. I am not letting myself become so clouded with negative thoughts that I lose the heart and soul of who I am as a person.
I built this wall. Now I have to be the one to tear it down.