Be Valued

“There’s a difference between being liked by a man & valued by a man. A lot of guys like you. Not many value you. Be valued” -unknown.

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My friend and I were talking about being valued one day. He told me that I value being valued. I had to stop and think about what he was saying for a moment. Then he brought up the quote up above and I realized I do value being valued instead of simply being liked by a guy.

You see, it is easy to be liked by someone. It is so easy for someone to say the right words to make you fall for them. Then you begin to imagine yourself with them. However, it’s not really them you like, it’s the words. You lose yourself in what they say. You lose yourself in how smooth of a talker that person is.

But where are the actions? Where are the meaningful gestures? Where are the moments that suddenly pop up and remind you just how much you love that person?

They aren’t there. It is a plateau of settling and being content. You tell yourself it is okay because you both are in love and not all love is the same. True, not all love is the same, but how can a relationship thrive if you are not being valued by the one who loves you?

I thought I was valued. I would wake up to good morning messages or messages that signified how much my ex cared for me.  Looking back, I realized all of the messages said the exact same thing. There was no depth. Just surface words of a smooth talker saying things that would make me happy. I never felt more than liked. I never found those meaningful gestures or the moments where I would randomly smile out of the blue due to a fond memory. It was so easy for me to walk away from the relationship because I wasn’t happy. I was so content with being liked and not valued.

To be valued means you are important to the person. They care about you sometimes more than you care about yourself and they constantly remind you of how much they care for you. They listen to you. They make sure you’re okay. They go out of their way to calm you down when maybe things aren’t going the best that day.  Out of the blue they will hold your hand or turn your head in their direction and kiss you. Not in a ‘let’s start a make-out session right now” kind of way, but a meaningful kiss that is usually followed by a smile.

They value your beliefs. They value the little things about you that make up who you are. They are the ones who will look you in the eye when they know you’re upset. They are the ones who will stop everything and make you talk to them instead of shrugging off whatever it is that is bothering you.

It’s a weird feeling. I sound absurd for saying that, I know, but it is a weird feeling. By that, I mean it is weird when you’ve never experienced what it is like to truly be valued. It is such a great feeling, but such a new feeling at the same time. To know I matter that much to someone is a feeling almost indescribable. There are moments I have to take a step back and keep myself from getting all smitten because of how happy and how much I feel like I am wanted.

To be valued. To be wanted. To be of importance to someone. Sounds great, doesn’t it? I’d rather be valued than to be liked by many guys who truly don’t value me. Find someone who puts their words into actions. Find someone who makes you their everything and means it. Find someone who makes you feel important and not just convenient from time to time.

Be valued and don’t settle until you are.

The Wall I’ve Built With Anxiety

I built this wall. Now I have to be the one to tear it down.

I know that I have a wall built up.

I know there isn’t anything wrong with having a wall because it’s nice to be cautious.

I didn’t know that I have a wall built with the help of anxiety.

I’m used to having walls guarding my heart from being hurt. I’m used to staying cautious of guys I’ve talked too because it is all centered around my fear of being hurt. It’s normal. Once you’ve been hurt it isn’t the easiest thing to trust that person again let alone another person you are thinking about being in a relationship with.

Trust me, I know all too well.

The more walls I build seems to be better. I mean if a guy truly likes me he will take time to break past those walls, right? Maybe not. I used to think that if a guy who cared for me then he would take the time to break down my walls, but recently I’ve realized that my walls aren’t just normal walls. There are twinned with anxiety.

Not only is a guy supposed to break down my walls, but then they have to get around the overthinking, the irrational thoughts, the negative scenarios I’ve already made up in my head before he even has a chance to get to the wall itself.  Some people may say, “If that guy does care, then he will do all of that.” That could possibly be true, but let’s add in the fact once I get too deep in my overthinking I push people away. It’s like the guy is on an episode of Wipe Out trying to get to me.

It’s not that I try to make him jump through loops. It’s not that I want him to have to break down my walls either. He wasn’t the one who caused this in the first place. I sometimes don’t even realize how guarded I keep myself which is been hurting me more than it has been helping me.

I did not realize that once I let the overthinking take over then it has won that battle. I overthink. I make myself upset. I assume the worst. I become irrational. Then I unintentionally push them away. By trying to ‘protect’ myself, I am pushing away people that care about me.

Never in my life would I try to hurt someone intentionally. I could not imagine the hate and anger I would have to feel in order to make someone feel so bad about themselves. Yet, I’ve been doing it every time I have my wall built with anxiety as a layer of protective support. As weird as this sounds, whenever I am in my overthinking stage I let that take control of me and I stop thinking for myself. I am already convinced that I’m going to get hurt again, or that the guy is just playing me. Instead of being a double texter and using my communication skills, I go head first and react with the irrational thoughts.

When I first realized that I build walls with anxiety, it hurt me. It hurt me because I have done such an amazing job at pushing people away. If there were to be an Oscar given for the girl who is best at pushing people away, I would win without a doubt. Sadly when it comes to pushing people away, I don’t even give them a chance. I don’t even give myself a chance. How can I expect someone to break down my walls when I haven’t even managed to take control of it myself?

Great question, right? Doesn’t exactly sound like the easiest task in the world, but I’m willing to try. I can’t keep letting overthinking win. I can’t hurting people and pushing them away. That’s not me. That will never be me. I am not letting myself become so clouded with negative thoughts that I lose the heart and soul of who I am as a person.

I built this wall. Now I have to be the one to tear it down.