“Do you trust me? Do you hate me? Did I upset you? Why aren’t you speaking to me?”
All of the questions I hear when people notice that I’m not in the right head space. It isn’t that I have trust issues. I actually do not hate anyone. People sometimes upset me, but I’m not one to hold it against them. Sometimes I just need me time to try and calm down.
I get nervous. No, not the nervous you feel before a big exam, or when you are about to go perform onstage. This nervous is never-ending. Well, let me take that back. The nervous feeling comes and goes. By that I mean, when I start overreacting and worrying is when the nervous feeling comes full swing.
It hits me deep in my stomach. It’s uncomfortable. I can tell that my mind is about to go into overdrive, and majority of the time there is no way to control it. I get to the point I put myself into a depressive state and it is so hard to snap out of it. I think about negative scenarios that are completely made up in my head. I think the worst of situations. I get so out of control that I impulsively react.
When I impulsively react it is usually because I’m so worked up that I am scared. I am afraid that I’ve pushed someone away or that I’ve done something wrong to that person. In reality, I haven’t done either. Most of the time, the people have no idea what I’m freaking out over. It is like I am making a mountain out of a molehill, but there isn’t a molehill. I’ve made it up.
This is the moment when people assume I have trust issues. It’s hard explaining to someone that I don’t have trust issues. To be honest, I am probably the most trusting person I know (which isn’t always a good thing). They don’t understand that my episode isn’t due to a lack of trust, it is because I need to hear or read in a message that everything is okay. It is crazy how much calmer I will get after knowing that everything is okay. I can feel myself come back to reality and everything goes back to normal, as normal as it can be at least.
I also have to factor in social anxiety. The tag team duo on Jailynn’s life. I never realized how bad my social anxiety was for the longest time. When I am walking somewhere on campus and I hear people laughing behind me, I panic. I instantly think that they are laughing at me. One time at Buffalo Wild Wings I mapped out the best way to get to the bathroom so I wouldn’t have to encounter people just in case I accidentally tripped or have to say ‘excuse me’ to get passed them.
I used to believe the reason why I didn’t raise my hand in class was due to me being shy and quiet. I am a very quiet person at times however, I realized there were different motives as to why I sometimes remain quiet in class. I am afraid to be called on and say the wrong answer and then have the class laugh at me or make comments about me. I get so nervous when the professor randomly calls on me. I always say, “Um I don’t know” and then I give an answer that is usually correct. Most of the time I do know the correct answer. I get too afraid to say it. I’m learning though. I’ve been speaking out more especially if they are opinionated based questions.
Overall, I am slowly progressing. I write in a journal every night. I make blog posts which helps clear my mind. I even paint or draw mandalas to get my mind concentrated on something else. Some days are harder than others. Some days I truly do have a clear mind and it is lovely.
People may not understand my mind. To be honest, sometimes I don’t understand it. All I know is I am who I am and I’m learning. Anxiety isn’t a cute trend. Anxiety isn’t something I use as a crutch. It’s part of me whether I like it or not. What means the most to me is people hearing my story and understanding they aren’t alone. We are all in this together (yeah I know HSM reference) and even on the hardest days we can still be over-comers.